My 10 days as a monk!

Tan Ajarn Po, Abbot of Suan Mokh Monestery
Originally uploaded by Big_Ade.

The Lonely Planet said this particular experience as a particularly hard one. Lonely Planet, you couldn't have underestimated anything more if you tried!

This post describes perhaps the most challenging 10 days of my life to date. This is the tale of a 6 foot 8 vegetarian and his 10 days of living as a monk in a Thai Buddhist Monastery.

A short prelude....What led to this?
Let me quickly step you back to late December. There I was, sitting on the Island of Koh Tao in Thailand, drinking Thai whiskey and watching the sun set with new found friends. It was not long before the topic of New Years eve came up again. Traditionally this has always been a hectic, alcohol fuelled evening which has always suited me just fine. This year though things felt a little different. By this stage I was 4 weeks into a 9 month round the world trip and had already enjoyed pleanty of Christmas parties, I was ready to move on to something else. "That's fine" the crowd was saying, "let's all head off to Koh Pha-Ngan for New yrs and then catch the full moon party". This is where it started to get a little different for me. I was no longer in the mood for spending 4 days drinking on another island, I was ready for something completely different, then that very opportunity arose!

Before setting off on my journey I'd read of many ways to occupy ones time in Thailand - beaches, diving, trekking, rafting, kickboxing courses, they were all readily available around each corner. But there was one thing that caught my eye and that was the Buddhist retreats held for westerners in various monasteries around Thailand. I have been studying Buddhism for the last couple of years and as I was going to be spend then next few months in Buddhist countries this started to make sense.

Now, to cut this part of the story short, I went on to meet 2 random people on the Island over Christmas who had said they were heading over to the Suan Mokkh Monastery in Chaiya, Southern Thailand and this, according to various web reviews and the Lonely Planet, was reputedly one of the better retreats available for 'Farrang' (Foreigners). That sealed it, the signs were there, I was off. Before I knew it I'd renewed my visa and headed to the mainland to the small town of Chaiya where the Suan Mokkh Monastery is located. On the 31st January, New years Eve, I joined a 10 day silent Buddhist Meditation Retreat!

Registration Day - 'Oh Bugger'!
So here I was, 7am on New Yrs Eve, jumping off a bus with some other westerners and heading off to a monastery for 10 days. I had no idea what I was letting myself into and neither it seemed did several of the others.

There was no advance booking so there was an unspoken urgency here - each of us was determined get in. There was no way we would come all this way only to find out it was full. Even though we were talking politely enough it was a race, everyone getting quicker and quicker as we got down the path. As we turned the corner into the 'Suan Mokh International Meditation Centre it was like a pack of dogs had been set loose. We split up and circled the tables eventually finding the registration desk.

Pretending we were taking our time we all rushed through the form ready for the next stage, the personal interviews. Only it was breakfast time, the rush was over for now, we could breath and talk to our neighbours, ready of course to spring into action at the first sign of movement at the registration desk.

So it was at this point I looked around. Half expecting to see a bunch of tree hugging hippies I was pleasantly surprised to see an interesting mix of people of all ages. There were people on their own, wandering aimlessly around between tables and stiking up small talk with others, couples sweetly holding hands and saying their last goodbyes for 10 days, and friends nervously reading the rules, something I hadn't quite got round to doing yet so I picked up the rules and started reading.

Gulp! I was being sent down for 10 days in solitary confinement! No sweat though, this stretch of bird was going to be a breeze, 10 days! Pah!

I read the rules and slowly went white. It went a little like this:

• Strict vegetarian food for 10 days - "excellent"
• Silence for 10 days - "I don't know these people, no sweat!"
• Concrete beds, no mattress and a wooden pillow. "I love camping, no problem!"
• Getting up at 4am each morning. "What? 4am?"
• No food after 12pm. "Excuse me? I have a high metabolism, I er..no?.... oh boy!"
• No reading, writing, TV, Ipod - No entertaining oneself. "No food, and now no Ipod. Oh boy, I hope I like what's in my head!"

So there we were, all shocked by the rules but determined not to let ourselves show it. This was a "chance to really get to know oneself" they said in the book. We are going to find out "who one is, what one really needs or wants in life, what is the real goal in one’s life, how one can accomplish it, etc. This retreat might just be a start towards discovering such important things about oneself." What was I going to find out?

The bell sounded, lunch was over, the registration continued. One interview with a nun, and a tour of the grounds later we went to our rooms to unpack. Actually I say room in the loosest sense of the word, they were more like a series of prison cells. They were 10' x 10' with nothing in them other than a concrete shelf which became your bed as soon as you furnished it with a straw mat (like a beach mat) and a wooden pillow which was little more than a foot long chunk of wood with a slight dip in it (Have a look here for a picture of the room.)

What was around the corner I had no idea but I was soon to find out as we had to head to the introduction talks and then start the silence!

The welcome talk and the start of the silence
I was 100% calm now. I was going to give this a shot and doing everything by the book seemed easy so far even if it was only 4 hours later. This was going to be interesting, I was sure of it.

So I am sure by now (if you are still reading this) you will be wondering what this week is all about. Well during the welcome talk it was nicely explained that we would be taken away from our normal distractions and be shown how to appreciate the moment i.e. not spend our time mulling over the past or trapped constantly planning the future. We were to be shown how meditation could be used for relaxation, how it could help train for concentration and how it could help us to find our 'inner happiness'.

The meditation retreats are hosted by the Suan Mokh Monastery and are led by Tan Ajarn Po the abbot of the monastery. He is assisted by a team of volunteers who donate their time to spread the Buddhist teachings to interested westerners and Thais alike. This month we were to be looked after by team Germany led by Reinhart who had started as an attendee of the retreat some 10 years ago.

During the week we would akternate between several different types of meditation lectures explaining the core teachings of the Buddha (the Dhamma) and how they could relate to a normal Western life. This was where we began to find out why we were maintaining silence and more importantly why we had to sleep on a wooden pillow. Basically we had 10 days to try and still our mind so that we could really make the most of this opportunity, we had to remove as many distractions as possible and to do this we would live as the monks lived, a life of simplicity close to nature.

We were to live as the monks do for 10 days and follow their '8 precepts' as closely as possible.

• 1st - Abstain from being harmful to living beings.
• 2nd -Abstain from taking that which is not freely given.
• 3rd - Abstain from all sexual practices. (Including sexual thoughts!)
• 4th - Abstain from improper speech ie uttering lies, gossip etc
• 5th - Refrain from intoxicating drinks and drugs which lead to carelessness.
• 6th - Abstain from eating after noon time.
• 7th - Abstain from listening or playing music, songs, wearing flowers, jewellery and other ornaments.
• 8th - Refrain from lying or sitting on high and luxurious places.

So there you go, that goes some way to describing how we were to live for the 10 days and why we were to be tortured. The last stage of the day was the Q&A session which would then be followed by the start of the silence. This was funny, there were over 100 people at this retreat and the thought of the impending silence started a panic which electrified the air. People wanted to speak just one last time and everyone was coming questions just so they could say one last thing and to delay the silence for just a few more moments. There were some classics which included, "I couldn't see any mirrors, how can we shave?" answered by "Guess, or don't shave", and "Can we use the toilets over there, only the lights aren't on", answered by "There is a light switch" etc etc. Anyway as the questions faded and the sound of the New Year's eve fire crackers in the local town filled the air we started the silence and headed off to our rooms to start the retreat!

The retreat! - Did I make it through?

I thought this whole retreat idea sounded easy, that was until 4am the next morning as the monastery bell tolled for us to get up. In the pitch dark my fellow meditators made our way to the hall where we were to perch ourselves on our cushions and prepare for our first seated session. Even though we were not expected to sit in perfect lotus position it soon became apparent that I was really going to struggle my way through this week. Within 5 minutes of just sitting cross legged my left knee started whinging, 10 minutes later and the right one joined in, by 15 minutes I was shuffling around like I was on fire - This was going to be tough especially as the daily schedule looked like this:

• 04:45 Sitting meditation
• 05:15 Yoga / Exercise
• 07:00 Sitting meditation
• 08:00 Breakfast & Chores
• 10:00 Dhamma Talk
• 11:00 Walking or Standing meditation
• 11:30 Sitting meditation
• 12:00 Walking or Standing meditation
• 12:30 Lunch & Chores
• 14:30 Meditation Instruction & Sitting
• 15:30 Walking or Standing meditation
• 16:15 Sitting meditation
• 17:00 Chanting!
• 18:00 Tea & Hot spring
• 19:30 Dhamma Talk
• 20:00 Walking or Standing or Sitting meditation

So there I was, realising that the mind may be wiling but the body was certainly weak. By the end of Day 1 I could hardly walk and I realised this was going to be hell. How could I hope to achieve this desired mental calm if all I could think about was my pain!?

This continued to get worse and day 2 I decided to leave. Just before I told them I was off I spoke to a nun, Nun Aree who is one of the sweetest people and instantly likable people I have ever met. She radiated a kind of warmth that made you forget about all bad thoughts just like that. With a few kind words she inspired me to not give in and gave me some good advice on how to handle the pain. This help lasted a few hours, until I sat down again!

By now the silence had well and truly kicked in and it's amazing how your mind runs away with itself if left unchecked. I was in pain and I thought there was no point staying, not only my knees were killing, my back was going now as well! I was off, again! I was building up these plans on where to head next and was then getting angry because I was doing this rather than settling down. A huge part of me was ready to go, I kept thinking, 'it was the right thing to do', 'it wouldn't matter', 'it was an interesting experience' etc. I talk a lot in my head it seemed!

So here I was, about to head off to some national park for peace. Soimething made me stay another day though. Luckily I had read Papillon the week before and for those of you who haven't read it yet it's an autobiography of the amazing Henri Charrière who spent nearly 30 years imprisoned for murder in some of the harshest French penal colonies in French Guiana. It is his story of how he never gave up and never stopped trying to escape from his sentence. Reading this book obviously left its mark with me and helped me to start taking one day at a time, no matter how hard things got. "The fisrt 3 days are the hardest" a Danish girl told us. Mmmm, we shall see.

I was going to somewhere to relax but ended up with a lot going on in my head! When you sit with yourself for hours on end, with nothing really to worry about things start popping into your head with a "Remember me, you've been avoiding this issue for a while, well here I am!" It was amazing what came up.

NB: I was never planning on sharing this next chunk but sitting here in the internet cafe I realise I have nothing to hide and to be hinest only a few of you will have got this far anyway!

Well what came up I hear you ask?! Well.... 'Why was I running when the going was getting tough?', 'Was this what I do all the time?', 'Was I a quitter? No, I don't quit.', 'Ahh but I do sometimes find a graceful exit when there is an easier option. Is there a difference?', 'Why was I still in the monastery, why did I not want to quit this retreat? Was I worried about what others would think about me?', 'Could I come up with a decent excuse to get out of here so that I didn't look like a failure? I know, how about the pain aspect, that's true enough'. 'Was there more? What was this trip all about anyway? Was this me running from something?', 'Was this just an excuse for a change in my life?' Well it seems it was! Apparently being so wrapped up in work gave me little chance to think about what really mattered in life, and what I really enjoy in life. And this was even before day 4!

I was taking one day at a time here, I had listened to one of the Dhamma talks on day 3 which described how we become attached to things and this can be a cause of great suffering. This talk by Tan Dhammavida, an English Monk, helped us to see how our mind can run away with a thought and twist it and turn it until it becomes something so different from the original thought that it basically takes us over. It dawned on me that was what was happening during the retreat. I was becoming obsessed with leaving, or not leaving, and it was driving me crazy. I decided to go and tell them I was off the next day as I couldn't shake these thoughts from my head. I spoke to Reinhart, the coordinator and told him I was unable to meditate because of pain in my back. I was about to tell him I was off when he got in first and said, "Ok, well let's try the chair for a bit and see how we get on". What could I say to that, the pain was my excuse and he had given me a possible solution. I had to try it out.

The end of day 3 and the chair was out, it was helping the back. Day 4 and I was determined to see it through, for a bit at least. This is where things changed for the better, this was when we were privileged to have a visit from the most inspirational speaker I have ever heard, Tenzin Palmo

Tenzin Palmo

At 21, the daughter of a cockney fishmonger realised that she was a Buddhist and in search of perfection set of to India to learn 'the path'. There she found herself amongst 100's of monks and in a society where nuns were there to make the meals for the monks. To prove her commitment to learning Buddhism and in search of solitude to practice meditation she headed off to a cave in 1970 to begin an 18 year retreat in solitude! Attacked by animals, growing her own food and living through extreme conditions she came back from the cave with a determination to change the lives of nuns who wanted to become more than just cooks. A fascinating story which led to her becoming the first ever ordained Beaconee, setting up several nunneries and her tale being published in a book called 'Cave in the Snow'.

What has this got to do with my retreat? Well, Tenzin Palmo was invited to speak to us as part of a Thailand tour. After an opening introduction similar to the paragraph above this shaven headed lady took to the podium and adressed us as a group. Not once did she launch into stories of her past and not once did she try and win us over with fascinating incites into how to survive in a cave. Instead this captivating speaker got straight to the point - 'we were to take what we were learning this week and to do something worthwhile with our lives'.This was an hour long talk and I was on the edge of my meditation mat the whole way through. Pain, I didn't feel it. Basically there is no way I could do her talk justice on here and I wont even try. I will only say that her talk was one of the most inspirational and motivating things I have ever heard, so much so I was left with a tear in my eye - something I have no shame in admitting. This straight talking nun had started a chain of thoughts in my head which would snowball in the next few days to me having a completely different outlook for my trip and I dare say could change what I do when coming back.

I would not call this a spititual awakening as such, more like a kick up the arse to do something useful with my life. Thank you Tenzin Palmo

The final stretch

The rest of the retreat seemed to fly by after this talk. The pain was manageable and even coming down with a severe cold and fever could not hamper me. Each day I felt more and more confortable with myself and my new plans. Even when recouperating in that concrete bed knew that the retreat would end, the pain in the joints would fade, and the fever would break. I had a new project. I had realised I had a new set of goals and I was truely happy about the whole experience.

When the silence broke some of us talked of our experiences, some of us faded away to continue our peace and quiet. I did a little of both and with a grin on my face, I had come out of that 10 days knowing I had an interesting journey ahead of me and it was just beginning. I had realised I didn't have to live in the past or live planning the future, I just had to live, and to do something interesting with it! You only get one shot, everything is imperminent.

You will get this far and still not know what I want to do as I have left it out of this post for now. Congratulations for reading this far, leave this post and ask yourself if you live in the moment, if not then give it a go.

Ade